What is toxic masculinity, and how can men overcome it?

So, what is toxic masculinity? It’s a difficult term, for some. After all, a lot of men are proud of their masculinity, and see it as a good thing; having it associated with a negative word like toxic is hurtful. This is why the logo is a mushroom. We have no problem recognising that some mushrooms are harmful, while others are healthy. Why then is there such an issue with saying that some attitudes associated with masculinity are healthy, but others are toxic?

What does masculinity mean to you? At its very best, there are many fine qualities that are traditionally associated with masculinity (fairly, or unfairly). For example, bravery, strength, independence, assertiveness. At its worst, there are many negative qualities that are also associated with masculinity (again, fairly or unfairly). Men are stubborn. Sleazy, and obsessed with sex. We are hyper competitive. We don’t like to lose. The interesting thing about many of these traits is that many of the positive and negative traits are remarkably similar! The only difference is the degree to which they are used, and affect one’s behaviour.

For example, self-confidence is great. Someone who believes in themselves may not perform tasks better than someone who does not, but there is an important exception - someone who believes in themselves is less likely to be dissuaded by failure. But there is a vast difference between confidence and cockiness. A self confident person will not be afraid to test their boundaries, but still know their limitations. A cocky person does not. Consider also the difference between assertiveness and stubbornness, between fun and irresponsible, between being self-reliant and being unable to seek help.

This is why I’ve named this project The Masculinity Detox Diet. It is my thesis that certain traits and behaviours are like certain types of things that we eat. There are some things that are just objectively good, and should be a part of every diet. For example, respect, both for other people, and for one’s self; kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness, good judgement, rational thinking. You can probably have just about as much of any of those traits as you like, without becoming toxic. Others traits might need to be used more sparingly, or with discretion. It’s ok to be selfish… sometimes. It’s ok to be angry, or sad.

It’s at the narrow end of the personality trait food pyramid that things get quite tricky. These are traits that are sometimes good, and sometimes bad. Think of these traits as being like an egg. If you take an egg, and throw it into a smoothie, you’ve got some great nutrients! Protein, antioxidants, and so on. But if you take that same egg and deep fry it in trans fats, load it up with salt… it becomes a whole lot less good for you. Protectiveness can be a good trait, if that means making sure that your kid’s seatbelt is done up, and that they wear a helmet when they ride their bike. Protectiveness becomes a bad trait if it means not letting your daughter leave the house because of what she’s wearing. Aggression can be a great trait, if you are using it to get angry at injustice in the world, and that motivates you to try to change it. It's not so good if you just can’t stop hitting people.

Then we get to the things that are just pure poison, and there is no way that they belong in your life. The worst thing about these traits is that they will taint every other good aspect of your life. We’re talking about misogyny, homo- and trans-phobia, racism. Any form of believing that you are intrinsically superior to any other person fit into this category pretty well. Get rid of it.

But of course, changing your food (or in this case, your personality traits) is only part of a diet. There’s also exercise. There’s two main types of exercise in the Masculinity Detox Diet. The first is a strength exercise. It’s pretty simple really. If you want a muscle to get stronger, you use it. If you don’t use a muscle, it atrophies, and shrinks. Focus on strengthening the positive characteristics, and on weakening the negative. The more you do of both, the greater result you will see. The more you practice kindness, and respect, the easier they will come to you. The less you practice hatred or division, the more you will start to see how they do not help you. The second exercise is the challenging one - flexibility.

Traditional masculinity is problematic, because it offers a narrow and incredibly rigid definition of what it means to be a man. I propose that this is the heart of toxic masculinity; a restrictive set of attitudes and behaviours that define what a man is. These beliefs can be held by anyone, not just men. These attitudes and behaviours hurt men, and result in men hurting everyone. And like most other things that are narrow and inflexible, traditional masculinity is incredibly fragile. After all, if a man is this, and I am not that, then am I a man? And if I am not a man, then what am I? This is an appeal to purity, which is a well-recognised informal fallacy. Again… get rid of it. You don’t need it. If you consider yourself a man, you are, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Expand your definitions. Be flexible.

Now, some of you might read this and think… gee, that sounds hard. It’s a lot of work. I don’t know if I can. Is it going to be worth it? I’m comfortable doing what I am right now. I don’t want to change. I’m afraid I can’t change. Some of these statements are true; it might be a lot of work. It might be hard. You probably are comfortable doing what you are now. But I believe that one of the most important things for any human to do is to create a legacy, and to try and leave the world a better place for those who are to come. It will be worth it. As far as the difficulty goes, I remember something I was told by a martial arts coach a long time ago, so let me paraphrase.

There’s no point in looking at a bad situation, and trying to jump straight to a good situation. The first step is to stop your situation getting worse. Consolidate, and assess. Then, just try and make your position five percent better than it is now. Then another five percent. Then another. Keep consolidating, keep your situation from getting worse, and try for incremental improvements. That’s how you win.